H/T to Nothing to See Here
(To be clear, this list of reasons is heavily sarcastic)
1. Being gay is not natural. This is the same reason we True Americans also oppose marriage for anybody who dyes their hair, changes their boob size, or shaves any portion of their body.
2. Gay marriage will encourage straight people to be gay, just exactly the way being surrounded by married and unmarried straight people has caused so many gays to become straight…
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Marriage is a sacred institution which shouldn’t be changed. Just ignore the facts that women used to be property, blacks used to be unable to marry whites, and divorce used to be illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. The purpose of marriage is to produce children. In the future we shall require all marriage applicants to sign a legally binding contract that forces them to have children without resorting to adoption or artificial insemination. Gays, infertile people, and the intentionally child-free will all be banned from marriage.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. We should trash the First Amendment to the Constitution and ram our religion down everybody’s throat by force of law. Because God wants people to be fearful and resentful of Him.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. I forget why we ever legalized divorce in the first place.
10.Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to inter-racial marriage, cars, dual-income households, etc.